My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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