i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
