The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
