the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
