Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
