Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
