yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
