1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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