I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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