Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
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