I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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