Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
