it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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