No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
