I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
