Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sext me about skeletons
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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