it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
