dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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