omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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