my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
