"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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