Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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