I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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