I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
