When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
