i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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