how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
