Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
