Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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