my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Randomize
