u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
