Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
