i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
