How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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