Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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