i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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