i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
