There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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