My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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