Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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