There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
