I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
