The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
