halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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