i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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