Your tits are I can't wait for
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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