put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
