She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
