no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
