Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
