Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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