Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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